Top secret iPhone photo?

Sometimes the world needs a superhero. And with Apple slated to release the next iPhone within weeks, now might be one of those times — at least for fans of technology and gadget news. Rumors are swirling about the latest smartphone from Cupertino, and it’s hard to keep up with all of the predictions.

For example, major tech blogs are reporting that a new dock connector is likely, and that Apple will finally support LTE. But a lot of questions remain unanswered: Will the device have an NFC chip? Will it be called the “iPhone 5,” or not? And will Apple release an iPad Mini alongside the iPhone?

One could spend hours scouring news outlets for information, in an attempt to make sense of these rumors – and still come away confused.

Enter the Drunk Hulk – one of of the strongest, most entertaining — and yes, most inebriated — heroes in the world. In 2011, Time Magazine named him as one of the 140 best feeds on Twitter, where he shares his perspective on the world’s top headlines related to technology, politics, entertainment and other topics:

SNOOKI IN LABOR! NEIL ARMSTRONG JUST DIE AND ALL HIS HARD WORK ALREADY CANCEL OUT!

— DRUNK HULK (@DRUNKHULK) August 25, 2012

Having interviewed Drunk Hulk in the past, and in need of some real insightful analysis, I sought him out again to discuss the latest iPhone rumors. Here is the transcript of our interview:

Hi, Drunk Hulk, thanks for joining me again. First things first. If you had a $1 million to bet on what Apple will call the next iPhone, how would you place your bet? Will it be the “iPhone 5,” the “new iPhone,” or something else altogether?

THEY SHOULD NO CALL IT mePHONE PART FIVE! PART FIVE NEVER GOOD! HERE IS SCIENCE TO BACK UP CLAIM! FRIDAY 13TH PART 5 SO BAD THAT JASON NO EVEN IN IT! HARRY POTTER AND ORDER OF PHOENIX! DAVE CLARK FIVE! ERNEST RIDES AGAIN! JOHNNY NUMBER 5! NEXT DIE HARD MOVIE! NO GET DRUNK HULK STARTED ON PARTY OF FIVE!

FOR ONE MILLION DOLLAR! DRUNK HULK PREDICT THEY CALL IT mePHONE 5: FACE OF DEATH!

The next iPhone is rumored to have a different form factor, and a larger screen. With some Android phones sporting huge screens that border on tablet-like dimensions, is this a step in the right direction for Apple?

BIGGER SCREEN IS BETTER! HOW DRUNK HULK SUPPOSE KNOW YOU IMPORTANT AT COFFEE SHOP UNLESS YOU HAVE BIG SCREEN ON YOU mePHONE 5: FULLY LOADED?!

Is that rain, Drunk Hulk?

Apple has been promoting Siri heavily. Many iPhone owners, however, have complained that the voice-activated assistant has failed to deliver on its promise. Will the next iPhone include a more useful version of Siri?

FRANKLY! CONSIDERING SHE TOM CRUISE DAUGHTER! AND CRAZY RICH! DRUNK HULK SURPRISE SIRI WORK AT ALL! ESPECIALLY FOR mePHONE 5: DREAM CHILD!

The next iPhone will replace Google Maps with a new default mapping application, called Maps. Do you think it will be a suitable replacement for Google Maps, and will you trust it to get you home after a few drinks?

WOW! APPLE REALLY WENT OLD SCHOOL! DRUNK HULK REMEMBER MAPS! YOU SEE KIDS! BEFORE THERE WAS GOOGLE MAPS! THERE WAS MAPS! MAPS WAS LARGE SHEET OF PAPER THAT ONCE UNFOLD WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO REFOLD! DRUNK HULK GUESS HIPSTERS WILL LOVE MAPS! BECAUSE THEY WERE NEVER COOL TO BEGIN WITH! DRUNK HULK CAN NO WAIT TO USE MAPS ON mePHONE 5: FINAL FRONTIER!

Another rumor making the rounds is that the next iPhone will support Near Field Communication (NFC). If this materializes, will it spur a new era of innovation around mobile payments?

NEAR FIELD COMMUNICATION? WHAT ABOUT IF DRUNK HULK WANT COMMUNICATE WITH SOMEONE ON FAR FIELD? THIS SEEM LIKE TERRIBLE MISTAKE! IF IT NEAR FIELD! DRUNK HULK CAN WALK OVER AND TALK IN PERSON! DRUNK HULK MORE WORRY ABOUT COMMUNICATING WITH GUY IN FAR FIELD!

HEY APPLE! YOU REALLY DROP BALL ON mePHONE 5: FIELDS OF TERROR!

iPhone sales, in millions

Apple might sell more than 50 million new iPhones over the holiday quarter, and over 250 million units over the device’s lifetime. With demand for the next iPhone expected to be so heavy, will you be camping out overnight to buy one as soon as it becomes available?

LAST TIME DRUNK HULK CAMP OUT ALL NIGHT FOR SOMETHING AMAZING! DRUNK HULK DISCOVER JAR JAR BINKS! SO UNLESS DRUNK HULK HAPPEN TO PASS OUT IN FRONT OF APPLE STORE NIGHT BEFORE! DRUNK HULK WILL NOT BE CAMPING OUT FOR mePHONE 5: NEW BEGINNING!

While we’re on the subject of Apple, let’s talk about technology patents. Apple is involved in patent litigation with Samsung, Motorola, and others. And with other innovative technology giants such as Facebook, Amazon and Google devoting significant resources to patent disputes, it’s time to ask: Are technology patents promoting, or inhibiting, innovation?

Drunk Hulk

DRUNK HULK NO EXPERT! BUT THIS REMIND DRUNK HULK OF TIME WHEN DRUNK HULK GO ON TWTTER! AND THEN THERE HUNDRED OTHER HULKS ON TWITTER! AND DRUNK HULK SAY, “HEY! DRUNK HULK FIRST! GIVE DRUNK HULK BILLION DOLLAR!” AND THEY LAUGH AT DRUNK HULK IN 140 CHARACTER OR LESS!

NOW THAT DRUNK HULK THINK ABOUT IT! MAYBE APPLE GETTING READY FOR mePHONE 5: INFERNO! OR TAKE SAMSUNG MONEY AND MAKE mePHONE 5: ASSIGNMENT: MIAMI BEACH!

Hulk, thanks again for your time and insights.

YOU MOST WELCOME! CAN NO WAIT FOR mePHONE 5: FIGHT TO FINISH!

So there you have it — analysis of the latest Apple rumors from the Drunk Hulk (Who, by the way, is the creation of Christian A. Dumais, a writer whose work I highly recommend; you should also check out his TEDxWroclaw talk). As Drunk Hulk infers above, fifth-generation movie titles are rarely any good. With all the rumored changes to the fifth-generation iPhone, it remains to be seen whether the device suffers the same fate.

What do you think about the Drunk Hulk’s assessment of the issues above? Let me know with a comment below!
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